Dear readers,
once again there was a large break with no actual updates on this blog. This must have been the second or third time where I took a long "sabbatical" from written assignments/punishments.
I suppose many of you who follow this blog have some experience with written punishments, either as the one who sets tasks or the one who receives tasks. As a switcher I had the pleasure of being a task setter a few times. Most of the time it's really cool and relaxing to be the dominant part in any D/s scenario, and setting written assignments is no different. It really is a joy to do some fun and relaxing stuff while you just know that someone else is toiling for you at the same time.
Being the submissive part on any service-oriented submission - and again written assignments are no exception - is a lot harder. It's exhausting. It's demanding. It just takes its toll and there is a good chance that it burns you out after a while. I envy the subs that have the stamina to keep going. So far I can only say that I'm not able to submit for a long time.
When I wrote for Miss Melanie in autumn last year, I barely completed two months. And most of the time I had the feeling that she wasn't even too hard on me. And even though a large portion of the problems with our arrangement resulted from me wanting to spend more time with Fräulein S., I still think that even without that I wouldn't have been able to continue much longer.
I guess you know where this is going.
It's now five months since I worked for Miss Melanie. And there is almost no day where I don't think about submitting again (not necessarily to her but she's the best I've had so far and I really enjoy her style of communication which is very important to me). It's such a strong fantasy, being forced to work all the time while she enjoys her life.
But that's the thing with fantasies. They are different from reality. And after last autumn I somewhat know what it really feels like. And their were things that I didn't like about it.
One of those things was the uncertainty. It's awesome to fantasize about being set tasks whenever the domme feels like it. But it's really something different when she actually tells you that your free time today is cancelled and you'd better get working. It's even worse to wait in anticipation of a possible task - and then maybe it never comes but you still wasted your evening because you didn't want to get too comfortable on the couch or start anything else in case you would get a task from her. But I guess that is a thing that I will just have to accept.
The other, more important, thing is the loss of free time. I know, I know. That's the exact point of those tasks. But think about it. It's like being put in an isolation cell in prison. If you're in there too often, your social life will progressively get ... less social. I mean, personally, I'm not a very social person anyway. I'm an introvert, I spend most of my free time at home.
But I've become quite lonely. And one day, rather sooner than later, I'd like to find a partner and spent the rest of my life with her. And that whole dating thing seems quite impossible if you have the possibility of a writing task looming over you all the time. ("Sorry, I can't meet you tonight, I've got to do a writing task for that online domme that I haven't even met in real life.")
I fear that I might end up even more socially reclusive than I already am, and that's definitely not healthy.
So what do I do? Indulge in my fantasies at the risk of becoming even lonelier? Or try to repress those fantasies, feeling unfulfilled? It's really a thin line to walk. And right now I think that I would regret either decision.
I'm open to any suggestions or advice that my readers have (and that go beyond "just do it"). Maybe some of you were once in a similar situation? How did you decide?
-Cornelia
P.S.: The comment system has changed a bit. For whatever reason "comment as [Google Account]" is selected as default. You have to change it to "Name/URL" to enter your name. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd enter your name and don't just comment anonymously. Thank you.
