Dear readers,
once again there was a large break with no actual updates on this blog. This must have been the second or third time where I took a long "sabbatical" from written assignments/punishments.
I suppose many of you who follow this blog have some experience with written punishments, either as the one who sets tasks or the one who receives tasks. As a switcher I had the pleasure of being a task setter a few times. Most of the time it's really cool and relaxing to be the dominant part in any D/s scenario, and setting written assignments is no different. It really is a joy to do some fun and relaxing stuff while you just know that someone else is toiling for you at the same time.
Being the submissive part on any service-oriented submission - and again written assignments are no exception - is a lot harder. It's exhausting. It's demanding. It just takes its toll and there is a good chance that it burns you out after a while. I envy the subs that have the stamina to keep going. So far I can only say that I'm not able to submit for a long time.
When I wrote for Miss Melanie in autumn last year, I barely completed two months. And most of the time I had the feeling that she wasn't even too hard on me. And even though a large portion of the problems with our arrangement resulted from me wanting to spend more time with Fräulein S., I still think that even without that I wouldn't have been able to continue much longer.
I guess you know where this is going.
It's now five months since I worked for Miss Melanie. And there is almost no day where I don't think about submitting again (not necessarily to her but she's the best I've had so far and I really enjoy her style of communication which is very important to me). It's such a strong fantasy, being forced to work all the time while she enjoys her life.
But that's the thing with fantasies. They are different from reality. And after last autumn I somewhat know what it really feels like. And their were things that I didn't like about it.
One of those things was the uncertainty. It's awesome to fantasize about being set tasks whenever the domme feels like it. But it's really something different when she actually tells you that your free time today is cancelled and you'd better get working. It's even worse to wait in anticipation of a possible task - and then maybe it never comes but you still wasted your evening because you didn't want to get too comfortable on the couch or start anything else in case you would get a task from her. But I guess that is a thing that I will just have to accept.
The other, more important, thing is the loss of free time. I know, I know. That's the exact point of those tasks. But think about it. It's like being put in an isolation cell in prison. If you're in there too often, your social life will progressively get ... less social. I mean, personally, I'm not a very social person anyway. I'm an introvert, I spend most of my free time at home.
But I've become quite lonely. And one day, rather sooner than later, I'd like to find a partner and spent the rest of my life with her. And that whole dating thing seems quite impossible if you have the possibility of a writing task looming over you all the time. ("Sorry, I can't meet you tonight, I've got to do a writing task for that online domme that I haven't even met in real life.")
I fear that I might end up even more socially reclusive than I already am, and that's definitely not healthy.
So what do I do? Indulge in my fantasies at the risk of becoming even lonelier? Or try to repress those fantasies, feeling unfulfilled? It's really a thin line to walk. And right now I think that I would regret either decision.
I'm open to any suggestions or advice that my readers have (and that go beyond "just do it"). Maybe some of you were once in a similar situation? How did you decide?
-Cornelia
P.S.: The comment system has changed a bit. For whatever reason "comment as [Google Account]" is selected as default. You have to change it to "Name/URL" to enter your name. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd enter your name and don't just comment anonymously. Thank you.
Dear Cornelia,
ReplyDeleteI'm in a comparable situation. I'm also an introvert and I would really enjoy to suffer the same punishments and have my free time removed when necessary. But I wouldn't be able to live with the uncertainty: when I need to be punished, it has to happen when my social life permits me to do so. I would like it to be more frequent than it is today. For the moment it's only about a week every year, I would wish it could be at least a week every month.
Last year I got two detentions from you and I 'enjoyed' every moment of them. If I get another chance this year (which is really uncertain at the moment) I will even request a more strict and longer detention.
So, my advice to you is: continue your life as it is (writing lines and getting punished), but take a break whenever you need it, even if it's for six months. Social life is important as well, especially when you start to grow older and need some company.
I hope you can find a girlfriend that can go along with your fantasies (and take your time to find her!)
Wish you all the best!
Anastasia
Hello Cornelia,
ReplyDeletethis is an interesting post. I’ve read it. Your reasons are comprehensible.
But I think you should write for MS Melanie. I think this is it what you makes happy.
And in case of this you can post a lot of postings in the Blog. And we can read it.
You should have a strict agreement. But I think you need a code for breaks. Everybody needs sometimes an out time.
I hope you do this agreement and we can read a lot of you in this blog. I think this sholb be a part of the agreement.
Hello Cornelia,
ReplyDeletei have read your posting more than only once. and with every reading i detected many aspects of my own history in the world of submission.
from own experience with Miss Melanie i can assure that Miss Melanie is one of the most remarkable women i ever met. and her ability to lead subbies, to motivate, to encourage, to write hours and hours is legendary.
but at once real life knocked at the door and i met my beloved Mistress. the first time we lived apart together and i was able to write for Miss Melanie.
Miss Melanie knows from my relationship with my Mistress at very early stages and at least i could ask Miss Melanie for release. and Miss Melanie agreed at once without any hesitation.
Now i met Miss Melanie online in IM not as often as i would love, but thats not my decision.
In my mind Miss Melanie will be admired every day because she helped me so much to develope my submissiveness. Now i am able to live my daily life as a submissive man.
in fact: i suggest to stay as a subbie of Miss Melanie. and trust her that she knows very well what you deserve. and somewhen in future its release from her that you deserve.
cravatman
Thank you for the comments so far. (Keep them coming ;-))
ReplyDelete@Anastasia: I'm not sure if it's a good idea to take those huge breaks and then start all over again. In my experience there's a lot of "fantasy-build-up" in those long breaks and there's almost certainly some sort of let down once you start again. Plus, your writing gets out of practice. ;-)
@Anonymous: A deal regarding breaks seems like a good idea. But such a deal should be well thought out because otherwise it presents an "easy way out" all the time.
@Cravatman: As usual I appreciate your advice. However I think you've missed the point. I have no doubt that Miss Melanie would release me from the contract if I'd ask her to (in fact, since this is online domination, I can walk away easily all the time, even at the risk of offending the domme). The bigger problem is to get to the point where I have a reason for asking to get out. ;-) I mean, how can you keep up a social life when you're basically chained to your writing desk? How do you meet new people? How do you tell them that you're dominated online? Or to ask in larger terms: do you risk that you prevent yourself from doing anything "useful" with your life?
Cornelia
Cornelia,
ReplyDeleteI don't mean you have to take such huge breaks, smaller breaks of a few days or weeks will do as well. But take just the time you need to keep your social life going.
Anastasia
I agree maybe you could have one really intense week of line writing, detention ,being restricted to wearing only the standard uniform and other punishments followed by a kind of week off where the goal is meet people, do different things etc..
ReplyDeleteHello Cornelia,
ReplyDeleteI was more or less in the same boat as you. I wanted to write punishment lines and I did when I got them but after a while it just felt like I was wasting my life or time writing lines when I could be doing other things. It wasn't that the fact a written punishment means you have to write and that loss of free time is a consequence of whatever it was that one did wrong in the first place it just felt empty to be sat writing lines all the time . Writing two pages could take nearly a hour and if I made a mistake then I had to start with a new page which meant then that I was back to where I was before I made the mistake. It didn't feel like a punishment it just felt like a chore.
A punishment once a month would be enough for me, so long as it was only a day or half a day of maybe writing lines or some other punishment. That way I would have time to recover before the next punishment would be issued. I still enjoy from time to time being told to make sure that I'm wearing my full uniform for whatever punishment awaits me.
Nicole
I;m al;ways happy to impose punishments (full uniforms willbe worn of course..)
DeleteHello Sir,
DeleteI would be interested in being punished by you. You can email me at the address attached to this message. I would like to get to know you first through email and the type of punishments you would administer. I look forward to hearing from you.
Nicole
Hello Cornelia,
Deletea few days has pass. Have think about writing?
Do you decide to write?
I hope we will read new blog entries
Hi Cornelia,
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a frank and detailed account of your current situation. At the end you ask if any of us have been in a simlar position. Speaking for myself, I can certainly recognize many of the feelings you describe. Like you, I both set and write lines, and I participate in other school-type punishments such as corner time and cp, also as dom or sub.
I think it is a very common experience that subs have fantasies that go far beyond their physical capacities or their free time. Probably very few of us can take hundreds of strokes of the cane or write thousands of lines or spend an entire weekend in detention. We just have to derive what satisfaction we can from lesser experiences. Personally, I can write a hundred lines and fantasize about writing a thousand of them in a way that excites me.
Like you, I also find that there are periods when I need this kind of punishment, and other periods when I find it uninteresting and even absurd. But the periods when I want to write lines don't last anything like two months. I think you are to be congratulated for keeping up your writing for so long.
And finally, like you, I get a lot of excitement not just from the writing itself but also from the ritual: clearing the desk or the kitchen table, dressing in school uniform or underwear, getting out the pens and exercise books, and scanning the lines and sending them to the Master.
From the other side of the fence (desk?), I also set lines from time to time for a man who sends me an e-mail when he feels he needs punishment. Sometimes he writes every week, sometimes months can go by without contact. He seems to find the punishments that I set reasonable. If I could find someone who was willing to do this for me, it might be a solution.
In any case, I think that it should be possible to decide not to act on ones fantasies but to avoid repressing them - repression is always bad. However, the best solution would surely be to indulge the fantasies in a way that allows us to lead a normal life in parallel - whatever a "normal" life is.
Best wishes
Paul
I think you should ask for specific tasks one at a time. Alternatively, give your domme certain dates when you are available for punishment. They will then have the option of setting punishments or not during these dates- it is entirely up to them. But come to an arrangement where they cant set tasks outside these dates. There are some good dommes on the WP group who I have not used but seem good lifestyle mistresses.
ReplyDelete