A new beginning

Dear readers,

I have contemplated for a long time whether to hand my free time over to Miss Melanie again. And yesterday I finally did it. (by the way even she noted that I'm a contemplater ;-))

But what can I say. When you indulge into these mental games you need a clear head. And you need to make up your mind. And I needed to feel comfortable with the arrangement because I didn't want to risk having to give up again so quickly as I did last time.

I'm actually quite happy with the new arrangement (let's see for how long ;-)) because it irons out the weak spots of last year's arrangement. Back then, I told Miss Melanie at the beginning of each week how much free time I have every day. And then she could occupy this free time whenever she liked. The obvious downside (for me, not for her) was that I was never sure when I had to write for her. Now this may sound great in fantasy but it is not so great in reality because you can never really plan ahead or do something spontaneous - or just hit the sofa after a hard day's work. And let's face it, even a sub needs some downtime to re-energize.

I had to write out our
arrangement 20 times.
(I've blacked out my
personal free
time activities)

So this time it'll work like this: At the beginning of each week I'll tell her my free time for each day. In return she will tell me which days I will definitely have off. The other days may or may not be occupied by writing depending on her mood.
Twice per month I can spontaneously reduce my communicated free time for the specific day, allowing for unplanned personal activities that come up during the day.
Additionally I have the possibility to delay or suspend a task if I'm really not feeling well, however this will earn me a punishment point. After accumulating three points I will get a punishment (I haven't yet received a punishment task from Miss Melanie ... and I'd like it to stay this way). I can reduce the points tally by volunteering for an additional normal writing assignment.
Two of my regularly recurring free time activities are blocked, meaning that she can't take my free time away during these activities (though one of them can be axed if she feels that I need to be punished).

This is obviously more complicated than the simple arrangement from last year. However I think and hope that it will last longer this time. The inserted "emergency valves" make me confident.

And maybe it inspires those who think about agreeing to such a commitment but are still as hesitant as I was.

Cornelia

Coming up on Thursday: the lines I did for Miss Melanie a few weeks ago (I didn't want to cram everything in one post)

The Shape of Things to Come?

(the title of this post is a shameless plug for Bear McCreary's masterpiece)

To write or not to write. That is the question.

Dear readers,

once again there was a large break with no actual updates on this blog. This must have been the second or third time where I took a long "sabbatical" from written assignments/punishments.

I suppose many of you who follow this blog have some experience with written punishments, either as the one who sets tasks or the one who receives tasks. As a switcher I had the pleasure of being a task setter a few times. Most of the time it's really cool and relaxing to be the dominant part in any D/s scenario, and setting written assignments is no different. It really is a joy to do some fun and relaxing stuff while you just know that someone else is toiling for you at the same time.

Being the submissive part on any service-oriented submission - and again written assignments are no exception -  is a lot harder. It's exhausting. It's demanding. It just takes its toll and there is a good chance that it burns you out after a while. I envy the subs that have the stamina to keep going. So far I can only say that I'm not able to submit for a long time.

When I wrote for Miss Melanie in autumn last year, I barely completed two months. And most of the time I had the feeling that she wasn't even too hard on me. And even though a large portion of the problems with our arrangement resulted from me wanting to spend more time with Fräulein S., I still think that even without that I wouldn't have been able to continue much longer.

I guess you know where this is going.

It's now five months since I worked for Miss Melanie. And there is almost no day where I don't think about submitting again (not necessarily to her but she's the best I've had so far and I really enjoy her style of communication which is very important to me). It's such a strong fantasy, being forced to work all the time while she enjoys her life.

But that's the thing with fantasies. They are different from reality. And after last autumn I somewhat know what it really feels like. And their were things that I didn't like about it.

One of those things was the uncertainty. It's awesome to fantasize about being set tasks whenever the domme feels like it. But it's really something different when she actually tells you that your free time today is cancelled and you'd better get working. It's even worse to wait in anticipation of a possible task - and then maybe it never comes but you still wasted your evening because you didn't want to get too comfortable on the couch or start anything else in case you would get a task from her. But I guess that is a thing that I will just have to accept.

The other, more important, thing is the loss of free time. I know, I know. That's the exact point of those tasks. But think about it. It's like being put in an isolation cell in prison. If you're in there too often, your social life will progressively get ... less social. I mean, personally, I'm not a very social person anyway. I'm an introvert, I spend most of my free time at home.

But I've become quite lonely. And one day, rather sooner than later, I'd like to find a partner and spent the rest of my life with her. And that whole dating thing seems quite impossible if you have the possibility of a writing task looming over you all the time. ("Sorry, I can't meet you tonight, I've got to do a writing task for that online domme that I haven't even met in real life.")

I fear that I might end up even more socially reclusive than I already am, and that's definitely not healthy.

So what do I do? Indulge in my fantasies at the risk of becoming even lonelier? Or try to repress those fantasies, feeling unfulfilled? It's really a thin line to walk. And right now I think that I would regret either decision.

I'm open to any suggestions or advice that my readers have (and that go beyond "just do it"). Maybe some of you were once in a similar situation? How did you decide?

-Cornelia

P.S.: The comment system has changed a bit. For whatever reason "comment as [Google Account]" is selected as default. You have to change it to "Name/URL" to enter your name. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd enter your name and don't just comment anonymously. Thank you.