Looking back at 2013

Dear readers,

as the year draws to a close it's time to look back at 2013. For me it was a very ambivalent year. Especially during the summer months I wasn't feeling well at all when depression hit me hard. Fortunately it all went upwards from there.

I had a lot of time to think about it, and looking back part of the problem was that I felt like a loser for having my submissive fantasies. For wanting to be locked away in a cell or cage while the mistress enjoys her day. Or week? For wanting to write lines endlessly, being forced to wear my school uniform, being treated like a little girl, even being humiliated a bit, while the domme enjoys her freedom of being a "real" adult.

But then one day, back in August or September, it hit me: Why should I be ashamed of my fantasies? As a switcher, I also have dominant fantasies, and I'm not ashamed of them either. So why here? People - dom(me) and sub - play together, and as long as both take enjoyment from it, even though the way they enjoy it is very different, then nothing is wrong about it. It's like that Yin and Yang thingy. Both play partners need each other to fulfill their fantasy. They are equally important to making it happen even though the sub might appear to be of lesser value once the play starts.

I hope that anyone who has similar thoughts and fears as I had will come to the same conclusion one day and just enjoy their fantasies. I certainly did over the last few months. Finally.

Those who follow this blog regularly probably already noticed the sudden decrease in updates. The reason is simple. The trial run - writing for Miss Melanie whenever she wishes - has ended and I chose not to extend it.

It wasn't an easy decision.

Being at the whim of Miss Melanie was - initially - a great experience. I never liked asking for tasks. Having them set out of the blue really enforced the power difference. I never knew when she would set a task and what task it would be. She'd just pop up in the messenger and told me to write a certain line, and how often she wanted it. Usually with a big grin. I must say that chatting with Miss Melanie was the part that I liked most. Even though we were just writing, the way she wrote made me feel her dominance with every letter. I swooned every time she wished me a fun evening after setting me a task. And I knew that she would be the one who'd have a fun evening. Or weekend. In Paris. Damn, that task was memorable!

However, all this also had a downside. As much as I enjoyed not knowing when a task will be set, I also loathed it. I hated the waiting. Will she come online? Will I have a free evening? Should I start reading this book or watching this TV show when she could interrupt it any minute? I'm really not good at waiting. In the end it meant that on many evenings I ended up doing ... well, "nothing", except browsing the internet, daydreaming, looking at the screen every few minutes in anticipation of a new task. That wasn't fun. I mean, writing lines also isn't fun, but the waiting really was no fun.

Another reason was that during the time of the trial run I became friends and eventually play partners with Fräulein S. - and since she's also a switcher this made things a bit difficult at times. You see, I only like to set tasks when I know that I can enjoy my evening. But never knowing if Miss Melanie would give me an assignment meant that I never knew when I could top Fräulein S.

So, unfortunately I had to cancel our agreement and not extend the trial run ended a few weeks ago. Still, it was a great experience overall.

Would I do it again? Perhaps. The uncertainty of never knowing when a task will be set would need to be a bit minimized though. Maybe having tasks set at regular intervals or on certain days of the week would do the trick.

By the way, during the two months of the trial run I wrote 4375 lines on 162 pages, and 3 pages of squares.

So what's up for 2014? I don't know yet. Maybe I should try doing regular homework assignments, as one of my FetLife friends, Jane, does. I'm not sure if I'd like it (because, come on, nobody liked to do homework back in school, right?), especially because unlike writing lines you can't switch to auto pilot. But it would certainly be an interesting experience. The same goes for writing essays. I always liked to try that.

One thing is for certain: the school uniform stays. I love my maroon school uniform - even though the green gymslip that adult-size-school-uniform.com is selling now is really tempting!
I guess this initial aspect of my blog was repressed a bit lately with all the posts about writing lines. Then again, how much can you write about school uniforms? I'm open for suggestions though.

-Cornelia