To write or not to write. That is the question.

Dear readers,

once again there was a large break with no actual updates on this blog. This must have been the second or third time where I took a long "sabbatical" from written assignments/punishments.

I suppose many of you who follow this blog have some experience with written punishments, either as the one who sets tasks or the one who receives tasks. As a switcher I had the pleasure of being a task setter a few times. Most of the time it's really cool and relaxing to be the dominant part in any D/s scenario, and setting written assignments is no different. It really is a joy to do some fun and relaxing stuff while you just know that someone else is toiling for you at the same time.

Being the submissive part on any service-oriented submission - and again written assignments are no exception -  is a lot harder. It's exhausting. It's demanding. It just takes its toll and there is a good chance that it burns you out after a while. I envy the subs that have the stamina to keep going. So far I can only say that I'm not able to submit for a long time.

When I wrote for Miss Melanie in autumn last year, I barely completed two months. And most of the time I had the feeling that she wasn't even too hard on me. And even though a large portion of the problems with our arrangement resulted from me wanting to spend more time with Fräulein S., I still think that even without that I wouldn't have been able to continue much longer.

I guess you know where this is going.

It's now five months since I worked for Miss Melanie. And there is almost no day where I don't think about submitting again (not necessarily to her but she's the best I've had so far and I really enjoy her style of communication which is very important to me). It's such a strong fantasy, being forced to work all the time while she enjoys her life.

But that's the thing with fantasies. They are different from reality. And after last autumn I somewhat know what it really feels like. And their were things that I didn't like about it.

One of those things was the uncertainty. It's awesome to fantasize about being set tasks whenever the domme feels like it. But it's really something different when she actually tells you that your free time today is cancelled and you'd better get working. It's even worse to wait in anticipation of a possible task - and then maybe it never comes but you still wasted your evening because you didn't want to get too comfortable on the couch or start anything else in case you would get a task from her. But I guess that is a thing that I will just have to accept.

The other, more important, thing is the loss of free time. I know, I know. That's the exact point of those tasks. But think about it. It's like being put in an isolation cell in prison. If you're in there too often, your social life will progressively get ... less social. I mean, personally, I'm not a very social person anyway. I'm an introvert, I spend most of my free time at home.

But I've become quite lonely. And one day, rather sooner than later, I'd like to find a partner and spent the rest of my life with her. And that whole dating thing seems quite impossible if you have the possibility of a writing task looming over you all the time. ("Sorry, I can't meet you tonight, I've got to do a writing task for that online domme that I haven't even met in real life.")

I fear that I might end up even more socially reclusive than I already am, and that's definitely not healthy.

So what do I do? Indulge in my fantasies at the risk of becoming even lonelier? Or try to repress those fantasies, feeling unfulfilled? It's really a thin line to walk. And right now I think that I would regret either decision.

I'm open to any suggestions or advice that my readers have (and that go beyond "just do it"). Maybe some of you were once in a similar situation? How did you decide?

-Cornelia

P.S.: The comment system has changed a bit. For whatever reason "comment as [Google Account]" is selected as default. You have to change it to "Name/URL" to enter your name. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd enter your name and don't just comment anonymously. Thank you. 

It's been a long time...

...since my last update, dear readers.

Four months, to be precise. I haven't written anything since then so there isn't really anything new to report at the moment. I was just wondering if there's still people who follow this blog so that I know if it makes sense to post anything.

So if you're still following this blog, please leave a comment. Thank you.
(Edit: and it would be great if this comment wouldn't be anonymous)

-Cornelia

Looking back at 2013

Dear readers,

as the year draws to a close it's time to look back at 2013. For me it was a very ambivalent year. Especially during the summer months I wasn't feeling well at all when depression hit me hard. Fortunately it all went upwards from there.

I had a lot of time to think about it, and looking back part of the problem was that I felt like a loser for having my submissive fantasies. For wanting to be locked away in a cell or cage while the mistress enjoys her day. Or week? For wanting to write lines endlessly, being forced to wear my school uniform, being treated like a little girl, even being humiliated a bit, while the domme enjoys her freedom of being a "real" adult.

But then one day, back in August or September, it hit me: Why should I be ashamed of my fantasies? As a switcher, I also have dominant fantasies, and I'm not ashamed of them either. So why here? People - dom(me) and sub - play together, and as long as both take enjoyment from it, even though the way they enjoy it is very different, then nothing is wrong about it. It's like that Yin and Yang thingy. Both play partners need each other to fulfill their fantasy. They are equally important to making it happen even though the sub might appear to be of lesser value once the play starts.

I hope that anyone who has similar thoughts and fears as I had will come to the same conclusion one day and just enjoy their fantasies. I certainly did over the last few months. Finally.

Those who follow this blog regularly probably already noticed the sudden decrease in updates. The reason is simple. The trial run - writing for Miss Melanie whenever she wishes - has ended and I chose not to extend it.

It wasn't an easy decision.

Being at the whim of Miss Melanie was - initially - a great experience. I never liked asking for tasks. Having them set out of the blue really enforced the power difference. I never knew when she would set a task and what task it would be. She'd just pop up in the messenger and told me to write a certain line, and how often she wanted it. Usually with a big grin. I must say that chatting with Miss Melanie was the part that I liked most. Even though we were just writing, the way she wrote made me feel her dominance with every letter. I swooned every time she wished me a fun evening after setting me a task. And I knew that she would be the one who'd have a fun evening. Or weekend. In Paris. Damn, that task was memorable!

However, all this also had a downside. As much as I enjoyed not knowing when a task will be set, I also loathed it. I hated the waiting. Will she come online? Will I have a free evening? Should I start reading this book or watching this TV show when she could interrupt it any minute? I'm really not good at waiting. In the end it meant that on many evenings I ended up doing ... well, "nothing", except browsing the internet, daydreaming, looking at the screen every few minutes in anticipation of a new task. That wasn't fun. I mean, writing lines also isn't fun, but the waiting really was no fun.

Another reason was that during the time of the trial run I became friends and eventually play partners with Fräulein S. - and since she's also a switcher this made things a bit difficult at times. You see, I only like to set tasks when I know that I can enjoy my evening. But never knowing if Miss Melanie would give me an assignment meant that I never knew when I could top Fräulein S.

So, unfortunately I had to cancel our agreement and not extend the trial run ended a few weeks ago. Still, it was a great experience overall.

Would I do it again? Perhaps. The uncertainty of never knowing when a task will be set would need to be a bit minimized though. Maybe having tasks set at regular intervals or on certain days of the week would do the trick.

By the way, during the two months of the trial run I wrote 4375 lines on 162 pages, and 3 pages of squares.

So what's up for 2014? I don't know yet. Maybe I should try doing regular homework assignments, as one of my FetLife friends, Jane, does. I'm not sure if I'd like it (because, come on, nobody liked to do homework back in school, right?), especially because unlike writing lines you can't switch to auto pilot. But it would certainly be an interesting experience. The same goes for writing essays. I always liked to try that.

One thing is for certain: the school uniform stays. I love my maroon school uniform - even though the green gymslip that adult-size-school-uniform.com is selling now is really tempting!
I guess this initial aspect of my blog was repressed a bit lately with all the posts about writing lines. Then again, how much can you write about school uniforms? I'm open for suggestions though.

-Cornelia